He Drinky everyday. *hint* It's the he part! That is for thou whost crappeth gaveth me for the mead that I hath dranketh. Anyhow went out for the first time in a long time, and now tomorrow I am getting a free drink from Nick. *does dance* So lunch at Free State tomorrow, then paycheck about two, free drink about 3, class at 5, and then paperwork and sleep. For Saturday class is actually 9-2 apparently. Thank goodness I talked to the ladies at the office, otherwise I would be screwed on doing the paperwork. Well Christina still attempts to woo me with concepts that I don't believe in. First it was buying me things, then she takes naughty pictures. Now to my chagrin I have yet again found them on a site known as bangme.net. This site caused problems before and now again, she doesn't learn it only shows her youth. She says okay, then still does what she wants. She still has yet to settle in at college, she now wants to move back, because she doesn't feel at home. She misses people rather than try to meet new people. She does have social anxiety, but I swear to crap if she meets them online then it's no problem to meet them, and hell even start to date them. I just don't freaking get it. She can be all kinds of nasty on the internet, leading a whole separate life, then in person only when she's drunk. She still lusts for women, and the compliments of both genders. I did misjudge my sleepiness on the way home from St. Joe and had two energy drinks and I am still awake. That is why I went out to Louise's and had a schooner of Boulevard Wheat, well that and to apologize to Nick for missing his band's last show. Good ole Dead Girls Ruin Everything. I miss playing in a band ever so much. I guess all the stuff Christina does just gives me crap to write about, but I am always tired from having to continually change my sleep schedule. I rode with Christopher back to Mufflersmith and man he just makes me feel good inside. Talking with him, it makes me feel like my views are right, that you must do good and resist the bad. I know it took me a long time to get here, but there is still a long way to go. Christina is just so young that she does not know that all must deny temptation and proceed toward the good. Everyday the more good you do the more temptation is sent at you. In my youth I will admit to all indiscretions that I made. However now I try my best not to succumb to them. I have never cheated on a committed mate. The hardest temptation now I believe after much mediation on the subject is Christina. It goes against my philosophy to take her back, but yet I have done it, and nearly am again. She was the longest relationship that I was ever in. This is the most unknown territory that I have been in. Even with all my meditation I know not what to do. I have seen myself as wrong in the past, but also I have been right many more times. The main thing I believe in is admitting your faults and your wrong doings. I cannot count the times she has shown her jealously of my lifestyle. Yet now she wants to embrace it, but still fails to know me. I know her with my entire being. She still attempts to apply her ideas of other men to me. I admit I am a man, but Unix aren't really that happy. I hope one day to pass on my views to offspring, but she shares not even my ideas for children. She tells me only that she wants to have kids with my, but when we discuss the raising of said children, we completely differ. When I found out about Andy, I waited for her to admit her indiscretions, but alas I could take it no more and confronted her. She had in truth left me, but when I informed of this she merely begged and pleaded for me to return. When I talk about things with her I admit to making everything connect, for that is how the world is, Yin Yang, and all, but she still drifts off in the middle of my talking. Then she says I lecture her, like a father, if this is so why does she want me. Is it only for the desire to learn, or to be with someone who knows what is going on. This safe feeling she gets with me is at the same time fighting with a feeling of loathing for me. This is her continual internal struggle. I also admit at the time she went to Andy we were not in good standing relationship wise, but together none the less. I also admit I was trying to prepare her for college by pushing her away, attempting to get her to break up with me, but alas I took her back after what she did. Then later when college time approached even closer, I admit to again, though not as much, pushing her away to wean her per say from me. She asked for a break so that she could figure herself out, attempting to be more like me, even going so far as to admit her jealousy. Sex and material objects are not that important to me, however, she cherishes them. Whenever we had trouble sexually, e.g. I didn't want to fuck, she would go elsewhere. This break we had, we weren't in bad standing, but not in good either. It was made crystal clear to her that I desired her, and that my love would endure her time to find herself, but that she was not doing it to try and fuck other guys. The key word would be try. She did not have sexual relations with others, though her friends have told me that she viewed the break as a chance to explore with others. I figured as much but didn't want to admit it to myself. Then a friend, a dirty, perverted, obscene, illogical, bitter, bigoted, abusing friend of mine showed me naughty pictures that she had taken and shown to god only knows how many strangers on the internet and the conversation between her and an old friend about her pursuit of another man. She continually wants praise from those who are not me. This to most, including myself, shows that she values not my opinion of her. This bolsters my conviction that she is nearly the polar opposite of myself. She always says she tries so hard, but yet she constantly does things to show the opposite. When I point out from her self-spoken history of parents, growing up, and religion why she thinks the way she does, she gets defensive only proving my point more. When you know something is wrong and you do it anyways assuming that you can get forgiveness proves only youth and ignorance.
*random insert*
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
*random insert*
With my severe lack of religious ties aside, that is an awesome quote. I consider myself a tribalist, a word that most do not truly know the meaning of. Leaders, not a chief, were there, everyone had voice no matter how young or old. The leaders themselves did not ask, but gave to those in need, he who brought the food was not first to eat, but last.
Give and ye shall receive. The words of a book many claim to believe in, yet few follow. The Bible, the Koran, and all other religious teachings, are the same. Those who do not believe merely are attempting to gain one thing, power. Ever since Christianity was founded, church sprung up to achieve power, a hold over the peoples. Each off-shoot of the Bible, regardless of interpretation, still reads the Bible. The same with every other book. The teachings mean one thing, be good and good will come to thee, evil begets evil. Those who are good will be tested constantly, but perserverance leads to the great reward. All the books have stories meant to scare us into believing in them for fear of punishment, without this fear they would have no control over our personal beliefs without first defending theirs. With a book they can deem their beliefs correct because the book says so. All writing are open to interpretations. The message is the same. I say a good 90% of all Christians sin everyday, and according to their teachings thinking equates doing, so it is nearly impossible to not sin, but rarely do they confess, or even attempt to do better, merely going to their respective houses of worship cleanses them, to go and do it all over again. Only when you realize and openly admit to being wrong can you learn what is right. My main belief is to be open to all ideas, everyone is right and everyone is wrong, each must decide for themselves what is acceptable, but if one realizes they have done wrong they should admit, apologize, and attempt to repair their damage without regard to consequences to themselves. Every time I do anything, teaching, counting money, work at the gas station, drive, walk, talk, I have unlimited potential for either good or evil. I hope in my soul that I do more good than bad, but yet I fear not my death for I have accepted my shortcomings and am prepared for what lies ahead, no matter who is right or wrong. Christina on the other hand has bought into the American and Religious breeding of fear and the caste system that we still live in. Once you relinquish your fears of death, fears of losing, fears of having, fears of others, and fears of all else can we truly be free. Our government oppresses those who have less inbreeding the feelings of inequity into our youth and the desire to have what others have.
None shall ask lest they give, they who give wish not to ask for then they truly understand the joy of good deep within their soul. No one can know happiness without knowing sadness.
Do what your heart wills you too, but remember that if you feel the need to build a defense for your actions while doing them, you might want to think twice. If I took money, no matter what amount, my harshest critic would be myself. You should not ask others to live with your errs, lest you can live with them yourself. Once you understand what you have done, you can realize what you could do. A vision of peace gleams in my eye. I am a teacher, and yet I learn more than I could ever teach each day. My anger towards those who are ignorant is misplaced, this being the main problem I am working on at current. Some cannot be turned by me or you this is true, but somewhere out there is the one who can turn them, but unless we try how do we know if we are or are not that person. The hardest part of loving someone with all your soul is losing them, and then moving on. Christina has many issue that she tries to deal with, but cannot, and she knows this. I yearn to help her, but I am of the old teachings and take her pain from her, but it takes a long while for it to release itself from my body. This hinders my capabilities to better myself, but it helps at the same time. I am better for helping, but less for making her dependent. She is finding it hard to deal with all the changes that college brings to her already hectic inner life. She is slowing working on her problems, but she has a long way to go. She tries hard to win me, as if I were a prize. As I said before, one must fix themselves, before trying to take in another's pain. She distracts herself from her inner pain by attempting to achieve a relationship with me, but she is damaging her ability to cope by doing so. I see this in her every time we talk or see each other. The pictures I found are one of her ways to try and feel better about herself. Gaining the approval of others is merely a temporary fix to a possibly permanent problem if you don't attempt to gain your approval of you first. Our capitalistic society promotes this, a quick fix it tells us will last, but deep inside we know this is false. If you put duct tape on a hose that has a leak in your car, eventually that will break again, there is only so much duct tape until you have to realize that you need to do something else. A car is a great analogy of ourselves, you can't just go around in it without maintenance and expect it not to have problems. Thus as were are humans, a work in progress, we must do our own inner maintenance to have a long happy life, otherwise we breakdown and eventually lose the ability to be repaired. Well enough of my rambling tonight or this morning, whatever. I think I'll crank one out to help go to sleep until lunch time.
