Home from work

Well I just got home from work, blah, waiting for the Sunflower Broadband tech guy between 8 and noon, what a load of CRAP! Saw I had my first comments, DAMN! and I was on such a roll with no one knowing of this site. *yawn* GD working ten hours and crap. Dear givers please get me a new skeletal system for a present. *grabs back in pain* Eh this dumb thing or my half retarded internet won't let me post a comment on someone else's page... *shakes fist* aren't shooting pains fun? Moving on all I thought about tonight was words from Christina, and her dad and friend. All I could think was screw them I have more honor than either of them, both her dad and Jodi...? knew that she was cheating on me so screw them. Her dad cheats his religion, and well crap even I beat the crap out of best friends when they are doing something so retarded as that and need some sense beat into them. Guess it's a penis thing though. I have never cheated on anyone. Christina twice on me and more to others at least once that I know of and that was me. I dunno, history tells me not to trust you see. I went through in my head and on a web site all my ex's once I even left one out but I have been the transition guy, well except in kindergarten, and now all that I know of but Christina are married/were engaged last I knew. I am guessing due to the length of this blog and my internet woes that it might not even post, but I hope it does, so I will copy and save just in case. *shakes fist* Sensei Jonathon still hasn't okay'd my email addy and I need to send him curriculum, the only one I have done is his. Randomness Randomness, shit I have to find money in the karate fund.... bad... I have to go there tomorrow and won't get much sleep today b/c of the internet thingy 4 hour window f' that, and then teach at 6pm and then work from 10 'til 8 again. Yeah so all I could think about was honor at work really, as I have been in martial arts for almost as long as I can remember nothing is more important to me, and I saw how bad of a hypocrite I was in taking her back, b/c I always give people crap for that, and deep down I was kicking my own bum for doing so. Honor is life, I try to honor my beliefs and help others, my whole plan for the future is not for myself but for a community, and she doesn't share my desires to proliferate community. I am deeply rooted in my Native roots, and see the problems with our current lifestyles on the most massive scale that can be on our measly little planet we call Earth. Whether I live or die it does not matter as long as those who follow know that greed, capitalism, and our "democracy" in America and most places in the world is not good enough, we don't need perfection, just simplification. I am not a communist, nor a socialist, I am a tribalist. In a tribe everyone shares everything, and everything that is done is decided by the whole, everyone gets a voice from the young to the old, and what is done is done for the good of the tribe, not the individual. I refused to make a new paragraph! I also thought f how Christina said if after college she asked me to would I marry her, and all I could think was after one month w/o sex she goes into horny overdrive, no way she can go three and a half years, and she sees not the future outside of me now, but she has already been hit on at school, and has been able to get two other guys while I was with her, I know she didn't have sex(or so I hope), but my beliefs are mine to decide and straying is straying even without consummation. I just know her better, granted Jon was an a-hole, but he wasn't gone very long and she was dating me, wouldn't do it exclusive for awhile, but finally did, and that took sex, b/c sex means so much to her. I means a lot to me but still I think it is overemphasized in our society in its importance. This is why I am not a fan of the act. I will admit that I got freaked the hell out yesterday though when she was heaving b/c of crying so much, that was a first to see for me, but Dusty said his g/f had done it and so I didn't get so tripped. BLAH BLAH BLAH, I am just rambling b/c of the wait for the techy, but b4 anyone tells me that I don't know what she was going through during those times, remember you have no idea what I know, and always know, how I can read people and how people who know me rarely can read me, b/c I know better. If anyone wants to put a guilt trip on me go ahead... You can NEVER compare to the first 16 years of my life with my father and family. A more diverse family as far as views I have yet to see together as much as ours were, but nonetheless more bull was shipped than a cattle drive, and as the out of place male on one side and the eldest male on the other I got it all. I have almost died more times than most people 3 times my age, but it has given me the ability not to fear death, nor do I pray blindly for forgiveness. All I can do is admit my faults and my shortcomings, apologize, and take responsibilty for all my actions and the actions of those around me, that is the extent of my honor, if I was there and didn't stop it then I might as well have done it. Fear is what kills the soul! I think I am done rambling for now. Until again!