Decisions

Well blogger finally decided to show that I posted more than once to here. I've decided not to give a crap about people reading this. I decided to just write like whence I first started again. I always forget that people do not listen and that all human minds connect the dots as they see them, regardless of how they actually are. English is one of the worst languages for communication, everyone I've met who speaks it, their minds fill in blanks that may not need filling in. I learn every time at Karate class via the parents of my students, that hearing and short term memory run at different speeds, as I answer 99% of all after class questions in my end speech. The only ones that aren't related are those that are about products such as uniform sizes. Which is one of the many problems I find with American culture, we hear but we don't listen. We read what we see not what is there. Which is why so many speak before they think. Our society is continually promoting self-importance and impatience. The reality of our existence is that we ARE part of the whole, and quick fixes are quick nor fixes, just because it works now doesn't mean it will work for long. Pills are not the answer. We have developed ADD and ADHD as a society who pressures all and sees not the values of family and community. Those groups who do are seldom celebrated, because those who value these things rarely have much else to offer, but we don't see that what they have is better than anything we offer. I got two weeks of Deerfield lesson plans done, but I still need to redo St. Joe and do the rest of the Hillcrest and Deerfield ones. I figured out that last weeks cancellation was unscheduled at Munchenburger so I have to talk to the office about that and making sure all the prepaids get credit... Etc. Always a headache and a student loser, but I noticed that I am ranked number 9 out of 37 for retention!!!! Woo who!!, but as far as sales go I am next to last, because I no longer am a whore.

Franz Ferdinand's bass player uses the same bass guitar as me! Nifty, I have been playing more as of late, but I still haven't jammed out in awhile. I miss that. I wish I could just jam along with actually musicians not these random teenage, think they know everything about everything, waste of my time, rock star wanna be, power chord playing, asses. However, it is hard to get the 30 year olds out to a jam and to find a place. I love it. With good musicians you can have as many instruments as you want and everyone can find their place. It's things like that where my philosophy applies so well here, everyone works for the whole, not for self promotion.

People tell me I am older than I appear, but that is because I have done more than most people, and almost died more than nearly everyone I know. Losing my fear of death has helped me immensely, but I am the first to admit and realize my youth. I have not gained the control I wish to have over emotions, merely the knowledge of how to do so. This is one of many things to show my youth. I am still tied to much to this realm of being, as I become lazy and do not practice that which I should. The idea came to me the other day of how to help our youths. I have longed pined on the idea of a school of my views, but I added a new one to it then. I figured not only should community views be taught, but practiced as well in the same ways as Asian temples. Competition, however, in my eyes is a natural human desire that we should attempt to suppress in our future generations. Competition breeds fear, fear makes hatred, and hatred leads to many things. We need to teach that no one can control what you do. Even though I am a fighter and I teach martial arts I do it for reasons other than the violence. My hope is to reign in those I teach. I cannot count the number of students who attempt to claim add. I refuse to accept this as a disease. I hope to make people see more clearly, but it is so hard for one night a week and only 45 minutes, with so many restrictions on how I can teach. Our society fears so much more than it should. I have many worries and responsibilities that mentally I cannot free myself from, it is a strength and a weakness in my eyes. As has been said before can we know good without evil, and how does those who are truly good cast aside that is evil without assisting it? How can that which claims goodness so readily distinguish evil? Basically in the grand scheme is not everyone absolutely right and at the same time absolutely wrong?

Musical categorization humors me, in the end it is music whether you like the songs or the artist. Whether you think that singers are artist or not. If it's cookie cutter made or out on the limb. To someone it is good. One dream of mine to make a CD and then make it into ever genre you can choose on a musically website with the same songs. Just to see if people still care about content or if they will merely jump on the chance to claim gross commercialism.

I feel weak about Christina, when she's not here I can resist, but when I hear her voice or see her face I just melt unless I am mad. The heart is such a cruel bastard when it fights with the brain. I regret what I have done since our break up. I lose control, showing my youth and weakness, and do things that my head says I shouldn't and in these moments I do things I thought I wouldn't and ask strange things. In these moments I feel horrible afterwards. But everyone has amazing hindsight, alas I am weak. She has more power over me than anyone especially female has ever had. I do not know what to do. I know, and have known since it began, that eventually will leave me, regardless of what she says. It has been true before and will be again. At the same time I don't want it I do. If she leaves then it can be over, but if she stays.... What a dilemma. I have always been a contradiction. I shall always be. I know what is good, but I do what isn't wholly so. I live a life in the middle, knowing that I will be judged, but judging myself always as a lower. I plan great things but lack the initiative to accomplish. But back to my feelings, I love and hate. I love how I feel around her, but hate what she's done. I love when she's here and fear when she's gone. I know not what the future holds, nor what she thinks we are now. I know not even what I feel. The heart annoys me on so many levels. It took much music to get to the point to break up. Many songs prodded me along the way. Many revelations in my own views and the origins of certain things. My aforementioned thoughts on ADD and many other things I had an epiphany about and realized that these things are linked to her. Religion, suburbia, drugs, Americanism, self-importance, impatience, and more I see in her. There are times I feel like her father and teacher. Others I feel she is mine, showing me I cannot change the world as I wish too. I cannot change her, therefore, I am doomed to fail. Other times I see it as a challenge, a way to prove my ideas have merit. I just am full of contradictions, this is my fatal fault in the end. I have written so much, but have so much to do.

All is related; the big picture is everything. I have been typing, and multi-tasking for over an hour and a half, with nothing really decided or resolved anew. I may never know the answer nor see an implemented version of what I see as the right thing, but I know that I try to be good and take responsibility for me and for you, I am not righteous, I am faulted, so is everyone else, we must deal with this in private and in public, only through admittance can we begin acceptance.