Huzzah
Well even though my last comment by someone else was an ad; I think that I finally got rid of the adware on my roommates comp, which I'm using. Though I still can't mess with the Internet Explorer Toolbars.... Odd... My boys didn't call me like I had hoped, always busy those guys. Work sucked now I have to do my curriculum and then sleep until it's time to go teach in St. Joe. That'll be good times. YEAH S.A.F.E. Shield week two! Right... *sticks finger down throat* Ahh that's more like it. I have to remember to A. find and B. mail my Westar Energy bill today. Another day of unknown with Christina. I'm thinking I just need to not have sex with her for one full month maybe two and she will leave me completely. She knows she can have fun without me now since she went to a Flogging Molly concert that I was going to go to, but since we broke up she went with her roommate. It will be really hard though because she is quite irresistible when she wants it. As much time as I spend with her and as much as she loves me and I love her, I just can't trust her. That is what it all comes down to, really. Lack of trust is what broke us up and keeps us apart. No matter what she has been doing these past weeks, I still can't trust her. So as much as I want and love her, I think it wrong to keep having sex with her when we are broken up. I always convince myself it's okay at the time, because GODDAMN she's good, and since she wants me she is more willing to be on top(very nice). I just don't know I want, but know better. I feel if I take her back I am a hypocrite and if I keep doing stuff with her, dates and sex, then I am a bad person in general. I am not seeing anybody else or "doing" anybody else, but it's hard to regain trust in someone who just is there all the time. It's when I'm not there that I can't trust her, it's when she doesn't want me with all the fiber of her being. I can't with good conscience take her "I'll be faithful to you no matter what until I'm out of college" pledge, and go date other girls, so basically we are together in this scenario that is now, but not all at the same time. That is why I am feeling like a bad person. Ah how good it feels to ramble!
posted by Ev|Gen|us at 08:32
1 Comments:
****warning...lots of stuff....*****
personally, i don't feel like i initiated any of the sex...i was surprised because you were so...i don't know, wanting it? anyway...i'm telling you that i can withstand not having sexual contact, it will suck, yes, but i know that i can do it to prove to you that YOU ARE MORE THAN SEX TO ME. I don't know, now i'm rambling, and i dunno....if we don't have sex, i won't leave you...i'm not that shallow. I always want to be with you with every fiber of my being...
and just because i had fun without you doesn't mean that i wasn't thinking about you...the whole time i wished you were there....i didn't spend time with megan at all at the concert, i was by myself in the moshpit....
i just want to be around you as much as possible so that you CAN regain trust in me. Dammit i don't know how else to say anything because yesterday seemed like you were happy to be around me, glad that i came up, you were the one making moves and i was comfortable with that...i thought, well i don't know what i thought but it was better knowing, or thinking i knew, that things were going on a good path. you are not a bad person at all, everyone makes mistakes, obviously, i have made a lot of them. i'm just trying to show you how i can change. hence the reason i bought the book, and offered up all my shortcomings. i want to anihilate (sp?) them...just knock them out of my life. and with such a strong force as love guiding me, i can. i'm bettering myself...i feel it in my soul...and i don't care that i am in turn making myself happier...but the fact that i can show you how hard i can work makes the difference.
in your own analogy,
i'm picking your hardwork off the ground, dusting it off...and trying to find the right place to hang it up.
i want to be the student....i want to switch roles
have i said enough? i don't even know...but it's all just coming out in waves and i want you to know how strongly i feel.
you should follow your heart james, because what good is life when one is always struggling to find love or fill some void. it just doesn't work. my void is the shape of your heart within my own...i know that the only thing that matters to me is you, your happiness, your well-being.
i want to make you whole again.
nothing i can say will EVER take back the pain i caused, i know this...i fucked up big time...i'll admit it.
i just remember things that you used to tell me like "don't let other people influence the person you are" and i feel like if you don't follow what's right within yourself, then in a way you're losing out on your own beliefs....does that make sense?
ok, so in close...i love you, you are my everything, my heart pines to be near you. when you leave, i cling to your smell, your memory, the objects that remind me of yourself. i wish so much to make you happy like i used to. i want to patch it all back together, because in the deepest part of my soul, i hear the voice saying that we are right. pre-destination of us meeting....it was in our fate, and i believe that we are meant to watch eachother grow old together, in our lazy-boys or what have you....we're supposed to bring children into the world and raise them better than ourselfs. we are meant to feed and grow off of eachother, i feel it every time i look into your eyes. nothing will let this feeling go away, because it rushes through my veins, within my blood, my breath...to the tips of my fingers and back again.
james, you have completed me, showed me so many different aspects of living, made me believe more in myself. i just want to prove myself, anyway that i can.
i love you enormously, around the world three-thousand times and back again wouldn't even compare to my love for you.
i love you, my heart
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