Lack of Love, and Simultaneously Full of Love

With an onset of conversations about it lately, I have found myself thinking again about how I don't recall ever being "in" love. I took some time on my recent 26 hours in a vehicle to reflect on this.

Though, I have dated, felt pain in separation, fear of separating, and have been with different partners, I would say that at most, I have been in lust, but never in love.

I love family and friends the same. Should one be in need, and it within my means, I will be there to help as soon as I can. However, I can't say I've had more than that feeling with any one I have dated.

Of late, I find myself somewhat fascinated by the stories of others and how they knew of love. One friend told of a first touch shooting electricity through her. Another said they knew he was the one when being silly and hiding under a bed together.

Much as I have found myself reaction to emotion at times watching stories, based on the formula of the story, but not feeling them, I wonder how much my feeling of love, but not being in love, can be attributed to knowing how I "should" feel, versus how I do feel.

I think about how I can stop doing something so easily that was made into a habit, how I don't feel material attachment to things, and I am ready to move on to something new, or travel far away, at the drop of a hat.

I think about how I do not prioritize dating in my life at all, and have often seen "husbandly duties" as just a duty, or a formula to be followed. One must perform at X level, Y times, per Z period. When A situation occurs, you are obligated to perform B actions. I recall how I would adjust my "lust" level to match the desire of my partner.

I find myself realizing, my relationships have been more about observation, synchronization, and participation than my own feelings.

As I look to find understanding, I come across the psychology of love, in that "romance" is a modern idea, but still fascinating to me. Of the "types of love" noted, I find myself along the lines of "pragma" when reflecting on relationships.

From the 7 types, I have a life full of "philia" (friends), "storge" (family), "agape" (helpfulness), and "philautia" (self-esteem and self-sufficiency). However, "ludus" (unattached seduction) has had a small footprint, and "eros" (passion "in love") being absent.

The thoughts listed on "pragma" (dutiful), speak to things I have thought about during my period of reflection. In the days of arranged marriages (or cultures that still have them), this is the main type of love. I have thought, that I am tailor-made for such things in my wiring. Somewhat like the merging of completely different personalities in "Knocked Up," I think I would be comfortable, and satisfied, with nearly any partner that is also self-sufficient.

So, I continue with my thoughts, and wonder, is this where I am in life. Do I continue to not seek out "eros," "ludus," or even "pragma?" Is the level of satisfaction I am at today, where I want to be in the future?

Do my occasional desires for human contact have bearing on my future, or do I continue to deal with them in the manner I have become accustomed?

I think back to a "funny" story me mum has told about me as a child. I said "dating looks hard. I don't want to date until after I'm married." While, it may seem insignificant and humorous from a child's mouth, I seem to dwell on that thought in more detail. Firstly, one shouldn't stop dating their partner after marriage, but more so that after being put into a situation to have to move forward together, the hard part is done, and dating that person becomes easier.

While "no man is an island unto himself" does that mean one requires a partner to be complete in life, or does that allow for the vast array of friends and family providing enough love to sustain them in a content and happy life?