Quick to Anger

I have noticed my patience is thin at work these days.

After several months, and nearing a year with this company, I have ceased to be satisfied with the token answer for incompetence, "They're busy down there." This implies that no one else is busy.

When nearly every day, we receive items that should not come our way, written out instructions are not followed, and even the person in charge of the Service Desk fails to follow the approved process, I have stopped believe they are "busy" and come to learn they are simply being failed by their management.

I have patience for ignorance, but not incompetence through stupidity, and it is showing. When the manager has refused multiple offers to receive training, and team members have reported that he never shares the documents with the team, I do not know how he still has a job.

My fuse is quite short these days with their excuses and idiocy. At this point, I have started treating their responses as lies and talking to them as such. Especially when they decide to bring it up in a morning meeting, and make it out to be a small problem when they can't go through steps in order 1-7, but choose to do steps 4, 5, 6, and only one part of 7 and think that they have succeeded. Then, they continue to have a single point of failure in their boss.

However, not just the service desk, my manager/director continues to try and play things close to the vest, and then take on action items that are never completed by him. We have had the same outstanding action items since I started on PCI-DSS compliance, and instead of completing them, he simply closed the project, but that doesn't negate our liabilities. Then he's always on to the next shiny object, instead of finishing his tasks. It seems that the requirement to be a director is to be able to do 70% of your job, and then the final 30% when it was due the day before.

That means now every time I get pinged by my boss, I am already annoyed, because I know there is a 99.99% chance that I will not care what shiny object he is focused on, and instead want him to do the tasks he has already been assigned.

I think this points to another reason I need to make the time to meditate closer to daily.

Lack of Love, and Simultaneously Full of Love

With an onset of conversations about it lately, I have found myself thinking again about how I don't recall ever being "in" love. I took some time on my recent 26 hours in a vehicle to reflect on this.

Though, I have dated, felt pain in separation, fear of separating, and have been with different partners, I would say that at most, I have been in lust, but never in love.

I love family and friends the same. Should one be in need, and it within my means, I will be there to help as soon as I can. However, I can't say I've had more than that feeling with any one I have dated.

Of late, I find myself somewhat fascinated by the stories of others and how they knew of love. One friend told of a first touch shooting electricity through her. Another said they knew he was the one when being silly and hiding under a bed together.

Much as I have found myself reaction to emotion at times watching stories, based on the formula of the story, but not feeling them, I wonder how much my feeling of love, but not being in love, can be attributed to knowing how I "should" feel, versus how I do feel.

I think about how I can stop doing something so easily that was made into a habit, how I don't feel material attachment to things, and I am ready to move on to something new, or travel far away, at the drop of a hat.

I think about how I do not prioritize dating in my life at all, and have often seen "husbandly duties" as just a duty, or a formula to be followed. One must perform at X level, Y times, per Z period. When A situation occurs, you are obligated to perform B actions. I recall how I would adjust my "lust" level to match the desire of my partner.

I find myself realizing, my relationships have been more about observation, synchronization, and participation than my own feelings.

As I look to find understanding, I come across the psychology of love, in that "romance" is a modern idea, but still fascinating to me. Of the "types of love" noted, I find myself along the lines of "pragma" when reflecting on relationships.

From the 7 types, I have a life full of "philia" (friends), "storge" (family), "agape" (helpfulness), and "philautia" (self-esteem and self-sufficiency). However, "ludus" (unattached seduction) has had a small footprint, and "eros" (passion "in love") being absent.

The thoughts listed on "pragma" (dutiful), speak to things I have thought about during my period of reflection. In the days of arranged marriages (or cultures that still have them), this is the main type of love. I have thought, that I am tailor-made for such things in my wiring. Somewhat like the merging of completely different personalities in "Knocked Up," I think I would be comfortable, and satisfied, with nearly any partner that is also self-sufficient.

So, I continue with my thoughts, and wonder, is this where I am in life. Do I continue to not seek out "eros," "ludus," or even "pragma?" Is the level of satisfaction I am at today, where I want to be in the future?

Do my occasional desires for human contact have bearing on my future, or do I continue to deal with them in the manner I have become accustomed?

I think back to a "funny" story me mum has told about me as a child. I said "dating looks hard. I don't want to date until after I'm married." While, it may seem insignificant and humorous from a child's mouth, I seem to dwell on that thought in more detail. Firstly, one shouldn't stop dating their partner after marriage, but more so that after being put into a situation to have to move forward together, the hard part is done, and dating that person becomes easier.

While "no man is an island unto himself" does that mean one requires a partner to be complete in life, or does that allow for the vast array of friends and family providing enough love to sustain them in a content and happy life?