Mind awash with multiple thought tracks
Lust V. Love
- Have I truly ever know love, or has it always been lust?
- With many paths laid out in front of me which one will I follow?
- No path is a true correct answer, and all entail hardships to follow
- When do I tell my decision that may not be known until the last class
- I continue to teach as if the class I'm teaching could be my last
- Have I really ever had them?
- Was it just a go with the flow of those around me?
- Can one have a relationship without it?
- Have I always treated it simply as a requirement for said relationships?
- I think of Katanagatari, "Hassle"
- It's just a hassle to me
- But is it?
- Who to invite
- When to hold
- What to have for discussion
- Ability to afford
- Should I write one?
- Should I put out on the class website the way for me to afford to continue on?
- Should I have the open donation option with a total tracker?
- Should I request my students input about my upcoming decision?
- Danielle about how many, how, and what she is telling people about my future plans
- James about the same
- How to approach both of them?
- Cost
- Where to get
- What to get
- What knowledge to bring with
- What knowledge to gain before
- Who to talk to about proper gear
- Inability to understand my reasons about credit card
- Unknown if he has received his tax refund
- Did he talk to his wife about why they can use it, and if they can afford to pay it off?
- Do I let him know what it will take for me to get through the summer, and offer that knowledge in response to his loan offer?
- How do I approach about his subordinates?
- When I leave do I let them know all the issues that they have caused me?
- Do I start informing them now?
- How to confront them without being confrontational?
- With classes becoming a drain on the office side, then monetarily, then mentally....
- What should I do to go out without a budget?
- Where can I go just to have some fun for a moment?
- Do I do it too much for my own good?
- Growing up in the country friends were always far away
- Do I treat friends appropriately now that many aren't far away?
- Do I truly act respectful to their needs?
- Can I say that I don't hit them up only when I, or they, need something?
- Am I burden at gatherings?
posted by Ev|Gen|us at 23:06
4 Comments:
too long of a reply. I'll write it up later. and post separately. I'll see you before that though!
part 1
Yeah, no wonder you can't sleep. I have a hard enough time with one or two thoughts racing through my head - which is usually how many I get, thankfully.
I want to reply to so much of this. The love/lust thing, let it go. Based on your following questions in relationships, it's probably neither. Lust implies strong sexual desire. It doesn't have to mean that, but it does have to be an eagerness to want or enjoy. I think a true romantic love would entail love. That said, you can love someone with out lust and you can lust without love. They just seem to fit closely. When you are truly in love, you will know. It's where you can't stop thinking about someone and you want to be with them. But, you can be with them and not feel pressured, but at peace. You really can't explain it, but I know it's not candy and jewelry.
Paths, choices, RIVERS. They all go the same direction. They all end. They just take a different direction to get there. Obviously, you have to choose something. Don't stagnate. I want your path to be right here, selfishly, no lie. BUT, is that path the right one? I don't know, obviously, you aren't sure either. I do want you to think about if you were on a river, how would you feel at the end of each? If you choose the calmer, safer one, you may feel like you accomplished something, and if that something is teaching then good. You will have all these little tributaries flowing from you. Some will be bigger, stronger rivers, but each will be a little stream. If you take the more exciting one, you may get to the end and see how amazing and fun it was. I know if I went on a river trip, the rapids and falls would be the part that I would say, "I can't wait to do that again." But, it can't all be that. You just need to decide if you are ready to make that trip, or stay on the other path. (I know, way NOT to be helpful!)
part 3
As for talking to students, I don't know that either. Obviously your little guys are not going to present the problem. The ones that have gone all this time with you, they are the ones that will have the biggest issue. As for Danielle, just remind her that you aren't ready to make your plans known quite yet. I know she's talked minimally to me about what she wants to do in the future class wise and maybe to see what all I think. I haven't seen her in ages, so don't know what else is up beyond that. She is a teen girl though. She's probably trying to do a couple things. Make herself feel secure, and have one thing that she knows that others don't. People are like that.
Survival gear: have you tried military surplus stuff? I used to have an amazing survival guide from the army that had all kinds of pictures about edible stuff and things like that, and all climates. I'd go military rather than borders for that stuff. But boots, socks, that stuff would be good at the surplus stores too.
No help on your brother.
Derek – just be honest with him. Tell him what's going on. Just say, “I appreciate the offer of help, but this is what's going on...” And about his subordinates, do the cheesy I messages. It works even though it was lame in school. “I feel frustrated, angry, whatever, because...” And if you have a solution, offer it. If you complain with no way of making it right it's hard to fix.
Same stuff I said about Derek, goes for the office. I would talk to Derek before I told the office what a bunch of morons they are. But, if you choose to leave, let them know it's partially their fault.
Fun? I honestly don't know if you know the meaning, or how to do it. What's fun. You have to let go at some point to be able to have fun. What do you like to do?
I had more to say, but lost my train of thought.
part 2
As for the other stuff, don't worry about the love thing for now. You can't focus on it until you have focused on your own deal. If you aren't happy, you sure won't make someone else happy. It really is one of those things that happens without you knowing, anyway. Notice I'm skimming over your sexual issues? I prefer not to deal with that. If you like it, fine. If you don't, fine. I think again if it's there, it won't seem forced.
Continue to teach like it's your last class. At any point in time, things can be your last whatever. When do you tell your decision? When you made it and are ready to make it with all certainty. As a parent and student, I'd like to know. Also, I think you need to let your bosses know because I'd hate for them to screw Topeka and Lawrence out of a teacher/class.
Who to invite to your meeting? Whoever you want. BUT, I suggest you don't only talk to people that will give you one sided opinions, or the opinion you want to hear. And, use their thoughts as a guide, not as the answer. For example, ask me if you should stay or go. I'm going to say, "Stay". I'm selfish, I already told you that! (In all honesty, I'm not sure that's what's best for you right now though). Do you really need a meeting of the minds, or can you do a few smaller groups, for afford-ability and ease of discussion? Also, when all laid out, most will offer to pay their own, I'd guess.
Write a book. If nothing else, it will help you answer your own questions, and it's therapeutic if nothing else.
Full disclosure? If they were cyber stalkers, they'd already know. This is a hard question. I don't know what you should do, but I do think you'd see a lot of parents interested in helping. Most believe that you will be a tough act to follow. Also, I think the more observant are really catching on that something isn't right. Last night, I was asked about summer classes, to which I replied, “I don't think so.” Then I was asked, “what about after that?” And that was followed by concerns for your well being.
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