Alcohol
I think I'm through, mostly just to prove it to myself I suppose, and that if in fact I don't use it anymore then even though it is a rarely partaken of item, I won't wish for it. Culturally I have it with dinner or friends on occasion, but the other day I just had some to sit around and lounge with. Not that it's a bad thing or a vice for me, just that something I've said recently not in context was if it feels weird, wrong, or off, it probably is, and when I see people who drink get way out of control, even though I know I won't, it makes me feel weird to even be drinking within their area. Yet it also makes me feel strange to kick it with my old school friends and they get drunk, and I'm totally sober, however, that is more just a feeling of mine that they should have more control I guess. That in and of itself makes me feel off for thinking that someone else should act different, but then again I accept them for who they are and their faults, so even though I call it a fault, I don't hold it against them for it is just who they are. In deeper thought I feel that it's not as wrong as I firstly did, because it doesn't make me feel better than or superior to them, just awkward I suppose that I don't partake.
Also I think I vent to much to others. At least recently I've told 3 or more people about a verbal bout that although was necessary through off my regular track, and of course talking about it to others was merely a confirmation that it was necessary, but yet it made me feel wrong to bring them into the situation too. Albeit I feel moments like that are what keeps me in the realm of those who can socialize, and do in fact do so, I also feel that more often than not I use my turn to speak to speak that which bothers me. I feel guilty for this is what I have felt is my calling to listen to, but yet I know I cannot just be the listener and never the teller. I just also think, whether right or wrongly so, that I have less good to say when I speak than I should, thus giving off the appearance of one who isn't content. I don't know if it's just that when in the times of troubled emotions I go where those I know will listen are, and remove myself when I'm not in that state, and if that relegates me to the guy that is always troubled and not there to help. Yet I don't call I just go, and I am the one who gets calls when things are messed up, however, with few exceptions it's not when it's just a bad day, but rather a real situation. That is why I am many people's go to guy, but I think that for few I am their emotional go to. Which is one thing I used to be, but was changed by life, and I am not really emotional as I once was. The last ex had only one thing, and that was she could get me mad. I have just been desensitized to others problems, because most people don't take advice given to them I think they would rather wallow in it, and have pity felt for them. Maybe that's why I dislike telling others, even though I try and follow advice I receive. Is it that those in my past have made me backwards in my perception of others and thus I don't want others to have that perception of me. I remember once I said that I had woken up in great pain, and not in anger or to my ears whining, but I later heard them talking as if I was making a mountain of a mole hill, and that made me remember that others perceive words differently from me that I often mean to portray events. Mostly I believe because they are exposed to other people a lot more than me, and as would be a normal pattern believe that if the majority of persons do something because of one reason then most do it for the same. I have seen this in many places. even in martial arts once I was told that it must be a boost for my ego that I could break things, but it threw me for a loop that people would even do that for that reason.
Hmm... maybe that's why I no longer am able to break bricks with my hand. That is worth more in depth thought. I don't think I have broken with my hand, at least bricks, since then. True that person is one I respect, and mayhap that left a mental tab in me that breaking is for ego not for the reason I believe it to be, at least that is how it is perceived by others, and thus I should not push the envelope of the understanding of those unknown to my beliefs.
Also I think I vent to much to others. At least recently I've told 3 or more people about a verbal bout that although was necessary through off my regular track, and of course talking about it to others was merely a confirmation that it was necessary, but yet it made me feel wrong to bring them into the situation too. Albeit I feel moments like that are what keeps me in the realm of those who can socialize, and do in fact do so, I also feel that more often than not I use my turn to speak to speak that which bothers me. I feel guilty for this is what I have felt is my calling to listen to, but yet I know I cannot just be the listener and never the teller. I just also think, whether right or wrongly so, that I have less good to say when I speak than I should, thus giving off the appearance of one who isn't content. I don't know if it's just that when in the times of troubled emotions I go where those I know will listen are, and remove myself when I'm not in that state, and if that relegates me to the guy that is always troubled and not there to help. Yet I don't call I just go, and I am the one who gets calls when things are messed up, however, with few exceptions it's not when it's just a bad day, but rather a real situation. That is why I am many people's go to guy, but I think that for few I am their emotional go to. Which is one thing I used to be, but was changed by life, and I am not really emotional as I once was. The last ex had only one thing, and that was she could get me mad. I have just been desensitized to others problems, because most people don't take advice given to them I think they would rather wallow in it, and have pity felt for them. Maybe that's why I dislike telling others, even though I try and follow advice I receive. Is it that those in my past have made me backwards in my perception of others and thus I don't want others to have that perception of me. I remember once I said that I had woken up in great pain, and not in anger or to my ears whining, but I later heard them talking as if I was making a mountain of a mole hill, and that made me remember that others perceive words differently from me that I often mean to portray events. Mostly I believe because they are exposed to other people a lot more than me, and as would be a normal pattern believe that if the majority of persons do something because of one reason then most do it for the same. I have seen this in many places. even in martial arts once I was told that it must be a boost for my ego that I could break things, but it threw me for a loop that people would even do that for that reason.
Hmm... maybe that's why I no longer am able to break bricks with my hand. That is worth more in depth thought. I don't think I have broken with my hand, at least bricks, since then. True that person is one I respect, and mayhap that left a mental tab in me that breaking is for ego not for the reason I believe it to be, at least that is how it is perceived by others, and thus I should not push the envelope of the understanding of those unknown to my beliefs.
posted by Ev|Gen|us at 20:03
1 Comments:
Well, you had to know I'd reply to this (of course, I reply to a lot.) Anyway, I don't drink, and I honestly don't understand the need to drink to seem like you are having a good time. I just have control issues, and I don't think drinking is being in control. I mentioned to you awhile back that the more I age, the less tolerant I am towards drinkers. I do have friends that drink, that's true, and I don't think less of them or anything, I just don't get it basically. Then there ARE people that I don't approve of when they are drinking. But chances are, they are idiots sober too. Anyway, on that issue, you might just be getting old. Sorry.
As for venting to others, I don't really know since I'm not around you. You certainly don't SEEM like you would be like that, but anyway. Sometimes, just SAYING things makes them make sense, you should tell people things. Even if they don't help, at least you can sort it out more by saying it out loud. As for how people perceive what you say, if all you do is whine or complain, they will think that you are a whiner, even if it's not the case. Make an effort to say good stuff once in awhile. I don't think of you as a person to complain, but I'm not EVERYONE.
I have recently made myself say at the least "not bad" when people ask how it's going. There's a lady at work who is always whining and I decided that I don't want to sound like that, so even if I'm tired or headachy, I just say fine.
Brick breaking as an ego boost. I guess it would probably be for some people. But, I think that originally, it was to see if you had speed, power, focus, that sort of thing. If it's required for belt testing (and I know tons of kids that it IS required for) then it has to be to see if you are focused. Think about hitting the air. I can stand and punch the air, but I don't know if it's a good punch. It's like we were "talking" about with the strongest punch, fastest punch thing. I found out when we first started the other night, my punches may be the right hand position, but they were nothing. Once fine tuned, they were much better. Sure, you can get that a bit from punching a bag (and with one of those meters especially), but you can really see it when you use bricks, boards, whatever. Don't think of it as emotional, think of it as a useful training. You will KNOW if you strike a brick wrong, of course, that isn't a good thing. If you are really concerned by not doing it, you need to retrain your mind that it takes confidence, control, and of course the form. But, it SHOULD probably give an ego boost in MORE confidence, and the satisfaction of doing the strike properly. Egos do need boosts. But, if you are doing a break for an audience (after practicing - I don't like looking at broken bones too much) preface the breaking with the WHY people do breaks.
Sorry, the reply is nearly as long as the original post, I do tend to babble.
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